Holy bridezillas, you guys. It seemed like the marriage equality march caused lots of drama last week on Real Housewives of New York, but it didn’t have anything on what happened last night. A few of our housewives (ahem, Sonja) were dearly in need of a reminder that just because they put on wedding dresses didn’t mean it was actually their special day.
There was a bit of other drama woven in, but mostly last night’s episode revolved around Sonja’s grand-marshalling of the equality march and whether or not she had forced organizers to bump Silex in order to get her to participate. If that sounds boring, it kind of was. But then it kind of wasn’t? I’m a little undecided. What I’m not undecided about, though, is that Stoned David Arquette should co-host Watch What Happens Live every week.
We started with Sonja, who was set to be the Grand Marshall of that marriage equality walk that everyone was hootin’ and hollerin’ about last week. She’s a gay icon, you see. Kelly and the Countess then showed up to remind us that the day would likely be full of drag queens, and then Alex also arrived to take her rightful spot as Board Member. I don’t know if “board member” is supposed to be capitalized, but based on how many times those words were said last week, it seems appropriate.
When Alex started talking about the importance of equality and marriages instead of civil unions, the Countess started to feel extremely inconvenienced over the reminder that the day was about something other than her getting to wear a pretty wedding dress for the cameras. Sonja was also less than thrilled to be reminded that it wasn’t “her day” (as she kept calling it for the entire hour of television), but a day about an issue that she was there to support, and apparently she had requested that no one else connected to Real Housewives would be allowed to address the crowd before the march. Since Simon had been originally scheduled to speak as well and got cut from the schedule because of her, he and Alex were understandably irritated.
Sonja, still resolute in her belief that the day was really about her and all of the other Housewives supporting her, wouldn’t allow Simon to be included as a speaker, because then people might spend five seconds thinking about something or someone other than her. They might think about Simon’s rainbow sequin jacket, for example. Or marriage equality, whatever that is. No, NO. People need to think about what’s important: Sonja’s updo, and how she was asked to have a fictional leadership position of the entire thing, and how she’s a gay icon. Remember the last person to call herself an icon on this show? Kim from Beverly Hills. I don’t think that requires further comment.
As if Andy Cohen had put up some sort of Real Housewives Catfight Bat Signal, Jill flew in on a broomstick from the Hamptons to make sure that she got her camera time out of the whole situation. She’s a Board Member, after all. When Alex made a rather pointed comment about how glad she was that Jill could attend, Jill saw her opportunity and spewed all kinds of talking points that she had clearly learned from Kelly about bullying. In case she forgot any of them, Kelly’s skeletal hands were there gripping her shoulder in support, and she was ready to whisper points into Jill’s ear at any moment.
Meanwhile, Sonja had gotten up to make her speech and and it became even more obvious that she had spent exponentially more time thinking about her outfit for the day than about what she might say to the crowd of gay and lesbian activists that she was there to lead. She never even managed to mention the legality of gay marriage and I’m not entirely super that she ever said the word “marriage.” She just rambled incoherently about equality and bullying (Kelly has gotten to Sonja as well, I see) and love, and even though she remembered to leave plenty of pauses for crowd reaction, she didn’t get any.
The whole group did manage to make it all the way to Brooklyn, though, and everyone congratulated themselves for helping the gays and doing something good for humanity that may, in some small way, negate some of the bad energy that they’ve all put out into the world. You ladies have a long way to go. Just sayin’.
Let’s leave that issue for a moment because, frankly, I’m sick of talking about it. Cindy and her brother were elsewhere in Manhattan talking about the incident last week with Ramona in the Hamptons where she was talking smack about Cindy’s brother and he was standing right behind her. I still don’t really understand what the whole dead friend/cigar incident was about, but Cindy didn’t seem to be too upset about it, which will probably change later. It always changes later. I was too distracted by her fabulous apartment to think too hard about a dead guy’s cigar collection. Perhaps that makes me shallow? I’m sort of okay with that.
Sonja then went to meet with her Jason Statham-looking boytoy, who is also an artist who she’s helping organize a show, and he continued to be my type. Does anyone remember his last name? I’d like to stalk him when I get to New York. Anyway, he unveiled an unfinished portrait of Sonja that he had painted for her, and it wasn’t nearly as good as the painting of the hot brunette that he had hanging elsewhere in his studio. Sonja, girl, don’t be a moron. (Ok, I know you’re kind of a moron and you can’t help that. But don’t be a moron about this. Tell the artist boy that you can’t help him with the show and see how long he sticks around.)
Because this is clearly the Sonja episode, we later saw her lunching with the Countess, who encouraged her to get drunk at lunch and talk about Alex. Nothing good will come of that.
Speaking of unfortunate outcomes, Ramona had bought a table at a Gucci charity event and invited a group of Housewives that did not include Kelly so that she would not embarrass everyone in front of Mr. Gucci, who was in attendance. When someone as utterly insane
as Ramona is scared that you’re going to embarrass her in public, you probably need to reevaluate your life decisions up to that point, particularly if any of those decisions have been made on television.
But just because Ramona didn’t invite her didn’t mean that Kelly stayed home – au contraire! She claimed that Mr. Gucci invited her himself, but I find that kind of difficult to believe. There are over 8 million people on the island of Manhattan, and you would think that the Gucci press office could think of at least a couple hundred other, more important people to invite before Kelly Bensimon. That’s just speculation, but mathematically, I think it’s probably true.
Kelly and Sonja arrived at the Gucci party arm-in-arm, making bad jokes about tequila and acting like they were really excited to be out in public. Once they got inside, Ramona panicked and made Kelly a makeshift place card. Luckily, Kelly can’t deign to stay at a single event for the entire evening, an annoying, self-important habit about which she’s bragged since she joined the show, and she mostly left without incident. Well, except for making a racist crack at Ramona’s friend straight to her face. But if that’s the only crazy thing that comes out of Kelly’s mouth on any given evening, I think we can all agree that one racist joke is a relatively successful night for her. A relative failure for humanity, but a success for Kelly nonetheless.
The episode ended with a trip to Sonja’s house, since this is the Sonja episode and all, to unveil Brian’s very mediocre painting of her. She appeared to be sitting in a ditch, swathed in some sort of dirt-colored towel, and the painting of that brunette in his studio was way better. Except I’m getting ahead of myself – we haven’t even talked about Alex getting kicked out yet! Yes, Sonja invited Alex to her little picture party, despite the fact that they currently hate each other.
When Alex arrived and Sonja told her to never allow Simon to speak that closely to her again (yes, proximity sounded like the main issue), things spun out of control quickly. Alex started off by trying to calmly explain why it seemed to her that Sonja had tried to make the entire marriage equality march about herself instead of about the issue at hand, including that she and Simon had been asked to speak but then kicked off the roster because Sonja demanded that she be the only cast member to speak.
When Sonja interrupted to tell her that she wasn’t making any sense, not only was that not true but it just made Sonja look like a genuine crazy person, ranting and raving and waving her tiny Hermes Kelly in the air, despite the fact that she was in her own home, hosting a cocktail party, which usually doesn’t require a handbag. She shouted some sort of explanation that she seemed to think exonerated her from Alex’s accusations of selfishness, but it mostly sounded like her version of events and Alex’s lined up pretty well, and she just didn’t think there was anything wrong with her excluding others from a charity event in order to make sure that the focus was on her above all else. But really, what was up with that handbag? I would much rather recklessly speculate about what was inside than keep talking about the particulars of event planning:
Her own, tiny mini bar, complete with mixers and salted nuts? Tiny ones?
Her crazy pills? Not to be confused with her anti-crazy pills; she clearly lost those.
A matching crocodile Hermes flask?
A taser?
Brian’s balls?
An even smaller Hermes bag?
See, this is way more interesting than trying to parse whether or not Alex and Sonja actually agree on the chain of events at the Bridezilla march. Although the more I watch the episode, the more it seems like excluding Alex and Simon was Sonja’s idea instead of the event planner’s – if it wasn’t hers, why did she stand so firm about Simon not speaking when Alex asked for her blessing? Curiouser and curiouser. If any of this stuff actually counts as “curious” in the first place.
And then, at the end of the party, Ramona strolled in toting a bottle of wine with her own name on it and all was right with the world again. Until next week, ladies.
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